hibernation.

My sights are on the future and apparently, it is only in that mind set.

I'm distraught. There's no other way to put it.

Is this where I am suppose to be standing? Here? It doesn't feel right, not at all. I probably shouldn't even be standing. I should be flying. The 7-year-old me will be saddened by the sight and push me to take flight.

I can only hope that she cover her eyes while I come crashing down, my guts splattered about. I hope she understands that there is too much keeping me down, keeping me down on my feet.

Please don't lose that curiosity, that sparkle in your eyes. Life will always have its dramatic ups and downs, but just keep that sparkle. You're going to need it in the future, trust me.

Do not settle for less. Listen to your instincts, they're always right. Hold off on love until you've learned to love yourself. And when you do, baby girl, love yourself. Love every single bit. When you go looking for your special someone, make sure they love every bit too.

I feel like I cannot breathe. Each breath seems to be a rude awakening to what is reality, breaking every single ideal I might have. What is success? What are the keys to it? What is love? What makes it work?

The knot in my throat ensues. Warmth rushes up my face. My rib cage seems to shrink while my eyes start flowing. I have nothing. I have only what I've made of myself, fucking disgrace. I have only these damned tears. I have only the ghosts of what used to be, ghosts that I need to revive back into flesh and bone because I need that warmth again. The warmth that only blood rushing through arteries and veins can emanate.

I'm not quite sure of the meaning of life. I couldn't tell you and I also couldn't tell you a single person who could because of my lack of belief. Where is this God you put so much of your faith into? Why has he toyed with my life so fucking much? Please do not tell me to keep on believing. What do you think I have been doing for the past 19 years?

It's the pollution. Blame the pollution. Blame the pollutant. HE is to blame for my hitting rock bottom. HE is the reason I am the way I am. HE can go to hell. HE should realize that HE does not deserve what he has. HE should realize that I have left him a long time ago, even if it was just emotionally.

Everything is perfect from far away.

It's dark now. Damn do I wish I still had that sparkle.